I was a virgin through most of high school, through college I had really just started to explore what my likes and dislikes were sexually. When a man asked, “how many guys have you been with?” It was a question I easily answered because I knew that my number was low.
I have been having sex for 14 years. Do I dare answer that question now? Hell no.
It’s not a question that I’ve been asked very often either. One ex asked after we were two months into our relationship. I refused to answer her because I felt as though it was none of her business. We were already sleeping together, so it wasn’t as though she was asking for health reasons. She was asking because she wasy being nosey. I didn’t answer her because I didn’t want to be judged. The response I gave her was something like, “More than 10 but less than 60.” She didn’t really appreciate that, but who cares?
Honestly, I couldn’t answer her accurately anyway. While I’m sure if I sat down with a pad or pen, I could come up with a number, it’s not a fact that keeps residence in my mind. I do know that I wish the number was lower. Not because a lower number would make me feel better about myself as a person, but because some of the sex I’ve had just wasn’t worth it. Ideally, I could adjust my number subtracting the affairs that were a waste of time, energy and bodily fluids. And Lord knows, I’m erasing the men from my memory.
How many partners equal promiscuity? How many partners equal innocence? Would you rather be with someone that was experienced or inexperienced?
I have been involved with women that had very liberal views about sexuality. Some of the women started having sex before I even knew what sex was. Others believed in polyamorous relations. Either way, I was the innocent one and it didn’t bother me near as much as it should have. In those situations, I felt at ease knowing the woman I was with had done it many times before. To me this equaled skill. I’m a little older now, I know that high numbers don’t make an expert, but that’s another story…
With the women who saw me as the expert, I was uneasy. I’ve said hundreds of times that I didn’t want to be with a virgin. I don’t want to have to teach anyone the basics. If I had that kind of patience, I’d be teaching. And let’s not talk about the pressure. Peformance anxiety. Ay yi yi!
I wonder if my numbers are higher because I sleep with women. There seems to be a very thin line between making out and sex with women. How many times have you questioned if you just had sex? Especially when no close were taken off and spit was the only bodily fluid that was swallowed. What counts as sex?
What was my point? I don’t want to answer this question. I’d much rather answer, “When was the last time you were tested?” Why don’t we ask that question more?
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Lol. Damn, this is a loaded topic. But before I adress it, if you were in the atlanta lesbian club scene anytime between 2002-2005, u probably do kno my girlfriend (Toni). Cuz she was a club junkie if i ever knew one. lol.
Anyway, ok. So my history is that I started very young, but I didn’t switch sexual partners often. I was with the same guy for 2 yrs, and then another guy for another 2 yrs. There’s 2 extra guys in there along the way somewhere that I was never in a relationshp with but u kno how that goes. Then came the women
But to be 25, my number isn’t all that bad. Quite good actually. For me, promiscuity is a bit of an algebraic equation of the total amount of people you’ve been with compared to how long you’ve been sexually active and how frequently you play musical chairs with bed mates. If you’re 23, been with 40 people and you’ve only been f*ckin since you were 19…um you’s a hoe. lol.
See how it depends?
But I agree with u. The main question should be So when is the last time you took an AIDS test, and where are your results?
Don’t think it’s who I thought it was because her name wasn’t Toni. Never been much of a clubber either…
I agree with your equation. Factor in the time you’ve been in a relationship and you’ve got some kind of formula that the brightest Calculus student might have problems with.
Oh and 1 more thing: I also agree with u on how sometimes with women u gotta ask ok so did we or didnt we. It’s like if hands roam anywhere below the belt for longer than 5 minutes, we just had sex. That’s not fair. Cuz if I was with a guy, just because he played with it a lil bit does NOT mean i had sex wit him. It’s just wierd.
Lol, you got my point exactly! It was so clear with a guy, either you did or you didn’t. No confusion at all…
I usually answer that question with ‘more than one.’ That could be any and all numbers but somehow they hear one and change the topic. I once knew someone whose count made me feel sad for her. She spent her teenage to adult years sleeping with strangers on an almost daily basis. She thought she was just having a plentiful sex life. What I saw was someone who dealt with pain and problems through sex. It made me feel sad. It also discouraged me from sleeping with her.
It’s always amazing to me that people use sex as therapy. And for those that need a lot of help, that’s not good…
More than one? I’m going to start using that and see if it works for me.
I think once you’re at a certain age that question shouldn’t even be relevant. The answer to that question means nothing. You can have sex with 100 people and never catch anything if you protect yourself and you can have with sex with one person and end up catching something. Also, I use to judge people who’ve had numerous sex partners but, over time I learned or I’ll say changed my views.
Anywho, “When was the last time you were tested?” Why don’t we ask that question more?
that right there. is the truth, I concur!
From a lesbian point of view, I think that we live in this world where we think our sex is safe. While it may be more difficult for us to pass STD’s on. It’s still possible.
I think I’ve been asked more by lesbians, “When did you have sex last?” Also a question I hate answering.
This is sooooo true Alix. That’s also a great topic! Yea I don’t think I’d want to answer that question either. I wonder what would a person do or so if you said “yesterday” or 3 hours ago LOL. Not that I’d partake in having sex that close together but, that would be some funny and unfunny shit to say.
I’ll have to expand on that one. Never had sex the same day, but…Nevermind. I’m telling on my whorish behavior.
Right on. I’ve been thinking about the whole testing thing lately as I’ve been out of a 5 year relationship now for quite some time and am starting to get back into the “scene”. I’ve never been tested and have been thinking about going and asking whomever I’m interested in do the same. I’ve been “foolish” in my days and this is from someone who considers herself “innocent” and would put the cap at 10 (more than 1 less than 10 and never with a guy).
Seriously ladies………how much do we value ourselves and the one we love? Get tested! -I’m going to follow my own advice too!- Thing ,I wouldn’t even know where to go, if it costs anything etc. but hey that is what the internet is for.
Not sure where you are, but any clinic will test you at a reduced cost. Or you can go to your primary doctor and let them run the tests. It’s not a complicated thing at all. Especially if you don’t mind needles…
the test question is a very good question. people should definitely ask that way more than they do. especially since a lot of women feel that since they aren’t having sex with men, they are somehow being safe or not “really having sex” or whatever. everyone wants to claim that they’re so selective about who they have sex with, but if they aren’t asking the appropriate questions, it doesn’t matter how selective a person thinks she’s being.
i think “what counts as sex?” is a question that can never fully be answered. when i was young and in middle school, the health teacher made sense when she said that everything ends in the word sex…oral sex….digital sex (yes, digital lol). from that standpoint, almost everything beyond kissing is sex. but somehow that doesn’t seem to be complete. there’s thin lines and lots of gray areas. i don’t spend time thinking about whether or not i offically have sex or not….i just go by whether I’m satisfied.
You’re absolutely right about being selective. If you think about it, none of us would have sex with someone that looked unsafe. Realistically, it’s not something we can identify on sight.
I used to always say that if I can have an orgasm from it, then it was sex, then I found myself trying to name some of the things I had done that resulted in an orgasm and came up short. I sound like a freak, huh? Don’t answer that.
Your right,most pepole are think that it’s how many people you sleep and not “when did you get tested.”And pepole wonder why they get STD’s…
” I’ve said hundreds of times that I didn’t want to be with a virgin. I don’t want to have to teach anyone the basics. If I had that kind of patience, I’d be teaching. And let’s not talk about the pressure.”
That’s one of the biggest fears I have when I find a girlfriend.Thst she’ll say “sorry but..” and give me a sad excuse for why she can’t do it.
Man it’s hard being a lesbian virgin….
Awww, that is too cute! I really don’t think everyone feels the way that I do about virgins. There are some people that really get off on “turning girls out.” Be careful with them though….
Oh thanks now I’m really scared!! But I don’t want to be turned out! ohh dear. Maybe I’ll turn into a lesbian nun…
A lesbian nun would actually be pretty cool to see but no sex…goodness=/
theres nothing wrong with being inexperienced…i think it comes down to being open to exploring your sexuality and your body with whoever you have chosen to be your partner and not allowing your inexperience to overcome the experience of the moment…once you break that virginity and the shit is good…you will be having a lot of sex and quickly learning what to do to your lover…the worse thing is ppl who have had lots of partners/sex who are sloppy lovers…id take an inexperienced “rookie” over a sloppy “pro” anyday
I’m sure many nuns are lesbians! Don’t be scared. Me and my first stayed together for a year and a half…And she told everyone she knew that she turned me out…
Blue,
There’s nothing at all wrong with being a lesbian virgin. I have never had sex with a guy, not even close to having it. I’ve only been with one female and she’s been my girlfriend for a very long time. I don’t know why other lesbians would be afraid to be with you. I don’t think my girlfriend turned me out because I pursued her. She thought I had learned some tricks from somewhere else, but I just got it like that. No need to worry. I don’t think experience brings quality service.
Wow! That is so great! *passing a gold star to you*
I’m one of those “liberal” folks who really doesn’t care how many people you’ve had sex with. As long as you are safe and have been tested, then I really don’t have a right to judge your actions.
As far as what counts as sex…I agree with everyone else. There is no one definition so you’ll get something different. I guess it would be a good idea to be clear on what you and your partner think is sex so there is no confusion or hurt feelings.
Like everyone else, I think the more important question is “have you been tested?”
I won’t lie and act like I haven’t ever asked “how many people have you slept with” because I was trying to assess something about a person. I took a new perspective, however, on all that when a close friend of mine told me she wasn’t sure how many men she’d been with and at the time she’d only (k, maybe not only) for 3 years. My first thought wasn’t “she’s a ho” or “damn, get some self-control…” ’cause she’s my friend and I know her. My first thought was “Wow. Thank God you don’t have any diseases…” (she’d just recently been tested). That gave me some new perspective on what’s really important in the “sex” conversation.
I refuse to answer the question because I think it’s pointless and I hate when people don’t ask what they really mean. Usually in these cases it’s “was I good” or “are you safe?”
Quality post, Alix!
I don’t think it really matters if you ask, “When was the last time you were tested?” People LIE all the time.
Furthermore, it shouldn’t make you any less cautious if they have been tested.
I would just like to advocate safer sex ALL the time: that means dental dam, gloves, condoms every time you get the goodies if you are not in a long term monogomous relationship. I hate going to the doctor so I would rather err on the side of caution.
For lesbians, AIDS is still a risk! And then add in the other sexually transmitted infections that can be transferred via hand to genital contact and it’s like “WHOA”. Those are just my concerns.
With the women I’ve been with, we’ve exchanged some type of paperwork to show proof of being disease free. You’re right. It’s not enough to just ask.
totally agree…ppl do lie; about the number of partners and whether or not they have been tested recently because they want the ass and when you’re horny it can be by any means neccessary to get laid…the honest fact is, no matter what you do or what you ask that other person…you are taking a RISK when you decide to become physically involved with them. if you do the one-night stand thing or casual sex, go for it…i think sex is great, if i could have sex all day i would but protect yourself and make sure you get yourself tested regularly…if you’re in a LTR, chances are you think less about using protection but get tested together if you want…but you will never know what that other person has been up to no matter how much you ask or how often you ask so its best that if you are worried about it, do what you need to do and take care of yourself.
And sometimes that means taking care of yourself…literally…
I hate that question bc my number is ridiculous, bc I went through a horrible phase in college, goodness gracious… so i usually answer it like,” it is a lot and if that makes you unconfortable then i must respect that and lets move on” bc I really aint a good liar or bullshitter, so i just keep it very honest.
Ridiculous in comparison to who?
I love ask people if they really want an answer when they ask. It’s not an answer everyone can handle…
Another fantastic post. When I was younger, I was not conscious of what I could catch from someone. And thank God I haven’t thus far. However, as I got older, I have formed a pattern wherein I ask the woman, when her last PAP and HIV test was. I also have the habit of seeing the most up to date paperwork/tests before I go “down there.” I myself also keep up with that side of the practice…not just her. I have friends, and I have heard stories. However, I’m sorry, but if I ask a woman how many sex partners she’s had, it’s almost like checking her credit. Am I wrong for doing this? This is due to my well-being. I won’t judge her because of the numerical outcome either.
We have to understand that we live in a world, where there are so-called lesbians who do sleep with males sometimes. I can only protect myself the best way I know how.
When you ask how many partners she’s had, what is it that you really want to know?