I read this blog a little while ago. I got irritated and confused as I read it then. I got just as irritated and confused when I read it today.
Wow, I can actually count the number of women I have been with for any meaningful amount of time on two hands. Now mind there are a probably a couple I missed and there are others I have been with for shows but they really did not count so much because a lot of that is acting but I do not identify as gay or even bisexual.
I will admit there was a time when I would have like to have been in a primarily lesbian relationship however the main problem I always encountered was the desire for the almighty penis. No matter how good the “relationship” there was always the longing for a real, warm penis. In my opinion this was not fair to the woman I was with, though keep in mind only, maybe, three of those aforementioned “relationships” were the kind that would require any kind of “monogamy”.
So, no I do not identify as gay or bisexual in spite of the fact I have been with and am attracted to women.
Read the entire post here. The writer goes on to discuss physchological vs biological reasons for sexual orientation. I skipped over that part. My comment to her:
Can you explain why you don’t identify with being bisexual? Bisexual women are usually those that are attracted to both sexes. Do you consider yourself straight? Is it just the label you’re against? I ask out of curiosity and a need to understand, not out of a need to be difficult.
She ended up taking my comment and turning it into an entire post. It can be read here, but here’s the important part:
A homosexual male is capable of being in an exclusive relationship with a male. A lesbian is capable of being in an exclusive relationship with a woman. A bi-sexual is capable of being in an exclusive relationship with either sex. I am not capable of being in an exclusive relationship with a woman or even a brief encounter with out feeling as if something is missing and that something would be a penis. I could still enjoy said relationship until I couldn’t. It is not fair of me to include myself in a category that I cannot fully commit too.
I understand her thinking. On the surface it makes sense. There is one thing that bothers me about how she defines homosexuality and bisexuality.
When we discuss sexual orientations, are we discussing our ability to commit or our actual physical attraction?
I have cheated on every boyfriend I’ve ever had. I was constantly in search of that next connection. I was looking for something deeper, more meaningful. My first time I was with a woman, I knew I was a lesbian. I never went through that stage when women call themselves bisexual after their first time. I. Just. Knew. I also knew that I could never do anything to jeopardize that feeling. Well, there was that one time…
44 Comments
Leave a comment
question.
What does sexual orientation have to do with monogamy? it seems she’s rephrased the websters dictionary definitions for homosexual, heterosexual, lesbian and bisexual.
She’s written her own dictionary…
In response to the poster above. Sexual orientation has nothing to do with monogamy. In my opinion, the blogger would be bisexual if she could have the best of both worlds all the time, maybe she should look into one of those types of relationships.
Yeah, it doesn’t seem like the traditional relationship would work for her.
this person is not rare. she will wind up one of those women who are married, but look for gf’s on the side. if she is attracted to both men and women, she is bisexual. her ability to be committed is another story entirely. that line of thinking is irrational. so hetrosexual folks who always cheat aren’t hetro?? hmmm…
LOL! I didn’t think about it that way. That would mean there are a lot of gay men out there…
Hmm…I dunno how I feel about this. I don’t think monogamy has to do with sexual orientation but even if she was committed to these women but still felt like she missed penis, as she says, then maybe she’s just more into men than women. That doesn’t mean not bisexual. Maybe she just prefers men over women but likes both. People seem to think bisexuality has to be this even and balanced thing. Some people fall on different ends of the spectrum….maybe it’s 70/30 for her.
I agree. I think most bisexuals are more into one sex than the other. At least that’s the way the ones I know are.
People can identify themselves anyway they want to. According to that particular person, she had a relationship with at least five women. She has “desire for the almighty penis” and “a real warm penis”. She stands out for me, she isn’t interested in a man but his penis.
Like Tami, I also think some women like this end up marrying a man and cheat on him with women.
“She stands out for me, she isn’t interested in a man but his penis. “
lol, that’s a good way to put it. I’d echo everyone else and say that being bi, or gay, or straight has nothing to do with whether or not you prefer monogamy.
She does have the right to identify herself any way she does, but what about the people she’s involved with. Don’t they have the right to know she’s attracted to both sexes?
Yes, before I get really involved with a woman, I want to know if she is bi or considers herself heterosexual but I’m “the only woman she has felt this way about”. I’m at a stage in my life that I really do not want to get romantically involved with a hetero or bi woman.
I’d be more inclined to date a bi woman if I knew what I was dealing with up front, but hetero…ummm…
lol. she’s got that “downlow” way of thinking. Just because she likes a little trim on the side doesn’t mean she’s “bi”. Just like married “hetero” men who have an occasional slab of dick on the side aren’t gay.
Just like married “hetero” men who have an occasional slab of dick on the side aren’t gay.
Well no they wouldn’t be gay they’d be bi…unless they in their heart of hearts were with women only as a front.
Yep! Definitely down low. People seem to forget that applies to women too…
correction* Bi
and nevermind, i didn’t get to the next comment….lol.
lol
Even though I think monogamy has NOTHING to do with sexual orientation I kinda dig her stance.I agree with the first comment. I think she created her own definition but, hey I don’t see anything wrong with it. We let other people label us and define us to much. It’s about time somebody decided to label and define their own self. On another note she might get somebody confused.
That’s what I mean. She can define herself anyway she wants, but how does she explain herself when she’s intimately involved with someone else?
I think it has less to do with her ability to commit than her preference for penis. I know plenty of people who are fairly certain of their sexuality but who cannot do the committed monogamy thing. It sounds as though even when she has her preferred, non-mongamous relationships, she still misses penis.
I think sexual gratification plays a part with identity – and for her, it seems she is not fully gratified without penis. So, to that end, I sort of agree with her assertion that she is not bisexual.
Reminds me of the movie Kissing Jessica Stein – the protagonist ends up falling for a woman, but the sex part is a barrier and they eventually stick to being friends. I didn’t completely love the movie when I first saw it, but it does touch upon the fine line between friendship and intimacy.
but then that kinda goes back to what breastswildasblkwaves said about being bi and preferring one sex over the other. Even if she prefers the (blech) penis more, the fact still remains that she likes pussy also. If she didn’t she wouldn’t have had sex with a female more than once.
Exactly!
If she’s not sexually gratified without penis, I wonder why she keeps sleeping with women? It would seem to be pointless unless she had some kind of undenying attraction for women…And I think that makes her closer to bisexual than straight?
What a bunch of crazy fearful denier’s justifying bullshit! Everyone’s already stated the obvious but damn would I hate to have someone with that sort of thought process in my life, on any level!
I don’t believe her rationalization. She’s trying to come up with too many reasons to not be bisexual. Sexual orientation has nothing to do with relationships as far as exclusivity. Let’s say she never had sex with a woman and was having sex with one guy. And what if one particular day she didn’t want that warm penis and wanted to try another man’s? What the hell would be her excuse then? She’d just be a cheater. Besides, no one is forcing her to be in any committed relationships. She needs to face the fact that she is bisexual. No one has said that bisexuality equates to 50/50, just that there is attraction to both sexes.
You’re right!
I see a lot of variables in her post…how long is a meaningful period of time? two months, two years? i know people who feel like 2 weeks is meaningful. and what does she mean she was with some of the women for show and it was acting?? and if what she said was true, that only about 3 of her “relationships” required monogamy, then it appears that her inability to commit to a person, orientation, group, classification, label, whatever….it appears to work for her. but obviously it isn’t, otherwise why write a blog about it? and “primarily lesbian” relationship? does that mean with a lesbian, or just another female that won’t call herself gay? can a relationship be secondarily lesbian?!
i think there’s deeper issues than what she’s posted…no judgment intended.
Secondarily lesbian? Oh, this is making my head hurt!
just glad i’m not dating her….
lol, I think we all feel that way!
Blink…
That was very confusing…It seems to me she’s a very confusing person.
She seemed to be condradicting herself alot and I was very confused…Ugg my head hurts.
lol, awww, don’t get a headache! It’s not that serious…
ummmmmmmmmmmm this may be taboo to the previous posts before me… but I’m kind of the same way. LOL. I’ve been with men for the majority of my life and the first time I got with a girl…. was incredible. The sexual connection we had was unfounded, and I have never encountered anything like it since. However. I don’t consider myself gay, nor do I consider myself bisexual… I guess I just am what I am… When I’m with that girl, I don’t long for a penis, but I do miss how a man’s body feels on top of mine. yea girls are passionate and more sensitive etc.. but The feel of a man’s hard arms and legs on my body can’t be replaced. And I don’t like how people are so quick to define others. So the chick likes girls…. and guys… but she doesn’t consider herself bi.. what’s wrong with that?
Hey Arica! Thank you for shining some new light on this subject. I don’t think any of us see anything wrong with how she indentifies herself. It’s her right to identify however she wants to, as well as your right. However, I think that it is very confusing for most of us. If you like girls and guys, why aren’t you bi? We all are basing our opinions on what she’s written. It’s not as though we’ve had the opportunity to sit and pick her mind.
While no one likes to be labeled or defined by other people, it serves an immediate purpose. If you or this young lady said to me within the first 5 minutes of us meeting that you were bi, I would understand that you liked men and women. If I continued to talk to you, then you could explain all of the different nuances of your sexuality. Many of my readers believe that bisexuality isn’t a 50/50 thing. You don’t have to like one sex just as much as the other. You just have to like both sexes, period.
Thoughts?
Alix, You said it serves a purpose but I ask what exactly is that purpose??? Idk why people need to label it. I mean I’d rather tell a purpose in depth my sexual preference than immediately say “oh, I’m bi or straight” or whatever. I am very open minded and if joe shmoe wants to say he’s gay then that’s fine with me. But I competely understand men and women who sleep with the members of the same sex and then say they’re not gay/lesbians…. Idk what purpose it serves to label it. Does that take away from who that person is either way? If your answer is no then why even bother asking. That’s my view. If its not going to affect how I feel about you… I don’t ask. If I like you I like you.
The purpose of labels is to avoid confusion, to quickly identify. It doesn’t take away from the person either way, but it gives the other party the opportunity to decide if this is something they want to deal with. If you do not identify yourself to me as a woman that sleeps with both parties around the time of our first meeting, then you have taken away my options. Maybe I can’t handle having a woman that is still attracted to men. Maybe I have health concerns. Maybe I’m biased against bisexuals, period. Maybe, maybe, maybe…It will always be my issue, not yours.
I am very interested to know what it is that you tell women you are interested in when you meet them. I can’t imagine how it would feel to know that the woman I liked still craved men.
… I can understand your concerns to an extent… I guess I just cant understand where exactly the actual label matters. If you found a woman that you were interested in, and she was interested in you, what difference does her past sexual orientation make? As I stated earlier I didn’t always used to talk to women. Initially I only dated me… Until Lex. When I met her, things just clicked. She liked me and I liked her. Plain and simple. As our relationship developed I told her how I never slept with a woman before… and it wasn’t an issue for her because she liked me. Some women are so stuck on that whole “I’d never date a straight girl” that they really miss out. I mean who actually defines the terms anyway? If a girl has only slept with men, but has fantasies about sleeping with women does that make her bisexual? Or a lesbian or straight? I mean who decides that? Everyone’s def. of the word differs, therefore I don’t really put to much emphasis on them. I honestly try to stray away from using the word “never” because you can really miss out on something great. If you like a woman, why does the past matter? Maybe she did enjoy men and women, but after talking to you, changes her preference?
As for your last sentence, I wouldnt say that I “craved men”. When I was with lex… I was with her. Yes there are times where I can see a man and find him physically attractive, or admire his arms etc… but that’s where it stops… how is that different from seeing an attractive female and admiring her body?
When I think about being getting involved with a woman, there are several types of women I don’t see myself with because I don’t want my life to change because of them. That’s a personal preference. So if I know a woman is straight, but she’s flirting with me, honestly, I’m not taking her seriously. That means that I am less likely to see hers as anything more than a friend. Once you’re in a friend zone with me, I don’t cross that line again. I don’t want to deal with the confusion that a straight girl goes through. I’m too impatient. Besides, I’ve already said I didn’t want to be anyone’s first. But I’m just speaking for myself.
Who defines the terms? The dictionary. That’s why if you say bisexual most people will immediately understand the meaning behind it.
I have a few readers that have never slept with women, but they are gay. They know that for a fact. I’m sure they fantasize about sleeping with women so the fact that they haven’t actually done it, doesn’t make them straight. There are women that are gay as hell and sleep with men that are in denial. They are gay as hell. It’s not really about who you’re sleeping with, it’s about the attraction you have. As long as you’re attracted to men and women, you’re bisexual.
The recent past does matter. It’s a great predictor of future behavior…
I do miss how a man’s body feels on top of mine. yea girls are passionate and more sensitive etc.. but The feel of a man’s hard arms and legs on my body can’t be replaced.
Your words from your first comment. That’s hugely different than looking at a woman when you’re already in a relationship. That’s something another woman will never be able to duplicate.
ok…. I agree with the first paragraph… everyone is entitled to their own preference. That being said, I don’t know why you insist on the titles. It’s my personal preference not to have that title…
This leads me to your next two paragraphs. You say that the dictionary defines the terms of gay, lesbian, and being bisexual, but your next paragraph is a complete contradiction of that. If your friend has never slept with someone that’s the same sex as she is… then she’s straight. According to the dictionary, homosexuality is defined as having a sexual orientation with someone of the same sex… just fantasizing doesn’t cut it.
If you were to ask a man if he was gay, usually a person would take that to mean that man is not only sexually attracted to men, but also sexually active. When this doesn’t have to be true. All I’m saying is everyone’s def is different. What the dictionary states is actually irrelevant, because not everyone decides to adhere to those definitions. I knew I was attracted to women loonnggg before I ever met lex…
Idk, I don’t mean to belabor my point, just to say because everyone is different. As for the past, I def do NOT agree that it’s a “great predictor of future behavior”. People change all the time. You can’t go off of the past, I will say that sometimes the past can repeat itself, but a great predictor? No. Based off my past, I never would have gotten with Lex becasue I was only ever involved with men. It didn’t predict anything.
The recent past is a great predictor of future behavior because people don’t change overnight. It takes a long time for any person to make any real changes in their life.
Now about this whole sex thing, are you saying all people are straight until they have sex with someone of the same sex? That can’t possibly be right. You know who you’re attracted to before you act on the attraction. It’s not the sex that makes you gay, straight or bi. It’s the attraction leading to the sex. There are plenty of women that discuss how they knew they were gay, but married in hopes of suppressing that attraction. That doesn’t make them any less gay.
I don’t insist on the titles. I don’t like titles. Like I’ve said, I understand while their necessary. I also believe that titles are subject to change.
Its true that people don’t change over night… but I still don’t put to much stock in the past. I don’t think its fair to try to predict or judge someone based off of their past. It can cloud what they’re actually doing in the present. as for your last sentence “It takes a long time for any person to make any real changes in their life” I 100% disagree. I mean how can you even say that? If you agree that everyone is different then that cant possible be true. You shouldn’t generalize.
As for the gay thing…. not everyone would agree with you, and that’s why they don’t identify with that label. Originally when you posted this blog, you were asking WHY people don’t identy and you just answered you’re own question. Whenever someone tries to label anything that I do I ask their def first, like a date. Not everyone’s def and expectations are the same, so I just ask. Assuming always gets you into trouble.
If a person has been exhibiting any type of behavior for any period of time, it is a part of them. It is something they do without thinking. It’s an innate part of them. To believe that they can up and stop on a dime would be giving them much too much credit. Sure, it can be done, but it’s the exception to the rule. And honestly, at this point, I’ve forgotten what we were talking about.
I was asking you why you don’t identify and I still can’t completely say I understand. I believe you don’t identify because you don’t want to. Which is your choice. When I posted the blog, I asked if we were talking about attraction or commitment, I never asked why people didn’t identify because I believe that it’s your right not to. Do I think you should? Yes. Because it makes the lives of those around you that much easier, but no one can force you to.
It’s always nice to ask how people define things just to make sure people are on the same page. Often that requires more time than you have. And more time than people are willing to devote.
And finally we agree on something. Assuming will get you in trouble, every single time.