So…I’ll no longer be making excuses for not writing…

Admittedly, other projects (and my charger) have conspired to take me away from you.

It’s all over now.

This is my final post.

At least here.

The new site is ready!

http://abrowngirlgonegay.com/

To those of you that are subscribed by email, expect to get a new link in your inbox in a few days to transfer you over to the new site.

Before my first girlfriend was my girlfriend, she was my friend. Wait, that might be a bit of a stretch. She was an associate. A classmate, in fact. I saw her everyday and while I didn’t pay a lot of attention to her, I did notice when she would come to class with swollen eyes. Her girlfriend would smack her around a little. She was beyond a whore, the supreme and ultimate flirt and her girlfriend felt that she had to smack her in order to keep her in line.

Obviously, that didn’t work. She kinda left her girlfriend. For me. I thought they were broken up, but it turns out that she had only broken up with the girl in her mind. When the girlfriend found out, she attacked her. It happened in front of me and another couple.  It was a scary situation.

I made a promise to her that I would never treat her that way, but I’ll admit, I came close. She cheated on me too. I remember confronting her about it and looking at her so intently that my thoughts of smacking the daylights out of her was written all over my face. She told me to go ahead and hit her if it would make me feel better. She said she wouldn’t hit me back. She would rather have me hit her than stay mad.

I’ve dated a few women that seemed surprised when I would say to them that if they hit me, they would not have the opportunity to do it again. Now I’m not sure how the subject even came up, but I think it’s a red flag when you even have a conversation like that. It’s a bigger red flag when the person is surprised by that statement.

I’ve only been in one relationship where I felt afraid. I moved twice and changed my number to get away from one girl. My fear wasn’t that she would do something to me, it was that she would hurt herself and I would be left picking up the pieces…But that’s another story. I just remember feeling so uncomfortable around her and I can’t imagine being able to continue in a relationship with that kind of discomfort.

I have to wonder in the case of domestic violence, do people think it’s ok in the gay community because it’s not man vs woman? If we are the same sex and we are fighting, does it make it any better?

It’s times like this that I miss Atlanta. I’d know right where to go to get a charger. Cheap. Here, I feel stuck and out of sorts. This city still feels like a vacation to me.

I’m looking online. Thanks Glennisha for reminding me. Admittedly, I’m torn between looking for a store here and getting immediate gratification or making the online purchase and waiting a few days. Ugh…

On the home front, my grandmother has propositioned my mom. She wants to go live in an old folks home retirement village and leave the house to my mom. It’s been willed to my mom anyway, but my grandmother put in a very blunt way. “Yall have taken over the house anyway.” I think that statement hurt my mom’s feelings. It’s a sad situation because the mortgage on this house is cheaper than it would be if my mom just moved into an apartment.

My mom is afraid of the backlash. My mom is one of seven kids. Six since my uncle passed almost 10 years ago. The youngest kids, 2 of my aunts are the most opinionated and judgemental of the entire family. Ironically, it’s those two that have never had a problem with my sexuality, but I digress… My mom is afraid that my grandmother will make a similar statement to one of them and she will feel the brunt of their disapproval.

I’ve been saying for awhile now that I thought grandma should leave to go be around her sister. I think she’s lonely and needs to be around people her own age. I think that maintaining this house is a bigger job than she anticipated. Or maybe she thought my granddaddy would be around forever to do it for her… In any event, I think it’s more than she can or wants to deal with.

I heard her talking this  morning to her sister and she seems excited about the prospects. I can’t tell if it’s real enthusiasm or if she’s trying to fake herself out. It’s always kind of hard to tell with her. She’s so blunt, but other times she’s so difficult to read. She makes things so obvious when she wants you to know something, but when she doesn’t it’s like looking at a painting. Damn, I think I just described myself…

Anyway, my cousin the marine is supposed to be going on a 6 month tour soon. He has a one year old and a fiance. A 20 year old with light brown hair and light blue eyes. She’s actually someone lil sis used to work with back in the day. They are really close. Close to the point where she wants my sister to come live with her while my cousin is overseas. My sister loves the idea of getting out of this house, but I don’t think she realizes that the girl is not going to take care of her. My sister is admittedly spoiled by every person in this house. There is very little she has to do for herself. She spends every bit of money she gets on what she wants and lets my mom take care of her basic needs.

Also on the family front, another cousin is preaching on Sunday. It’ll be a big day because his older brother just got back from Afghanistan and it’ll be his first time seeing him preach. He’ll be preaching at our family church. The church where all of my grandmother’s children and grandchildren were baptized. A lot of my family have found other churches. Churches closer to them because the drive is about 25 miles for my closest family member. I think the last time we were all there was my granddaddy’s funeral…

On another note, I’m wondering what happened to my regular email buddy? I don’t have enough going on to keep you entertained while you pretend to work at night? She’ll know what I mean…

And I think the young lady that flirted with me on twitter disappeared, but not before asking for a revealing pic. Where you’d go?

And before the rest of you wonder, I did warn both of these people that they may end up in a blog!

Happy Friday yall…I think I’m heading over to Amazon. When did it get cheaper than Overstock?…

I’ve been slightly missing in action. I know it, but I have a reason.

I’m designing my own blog with the hope of having it moved completely by the time I reach 50k hits. While I love graphic design, I am my own worst client in that I can’t make up my mind and I demand perfection from myself. I am working on it, or at least I was…

Until my charger on my laptop broke. Again. This is the second one in 2 months and I’m starting to take it personal. I looked today for another, but I’m too cheap to pay $100 for another one. I’ll be looking for some kind of computer shop tomorrow to see if I can find a replacement.

Hmmm, what else? I’m learning a lot about blog advertisement and how to make money from your blog. Expect to see that in a post soon…

*glancing over at my battery life- 13%*

If you see me on, I’ll be on my sister’s halfway broken down desktop. Pray for me…

I read this blog a little while ago. I got irritated and confused as I read it then. I got just as irritated and confused when I read it today.

Wow, I can actually count the number of women I have been with for any meaningful amount of time on two hands. Now mind there are a probably a couple I missed and there are others I have been with for shows but they really did not count so much because a lot of that is acting but I do not identify as gay or even bisexual.

I will admit there was a time when I would have like to have been in a primarily lesbian relationship however the main problem I always encountered was the desire for the almighty penis. No matter how good the “relationship” there was always the longing for a real, warm penis. In my opinion this was not fair to the woman I was with, though keep in mind only, maybe, three of those aforementioned “relationships” were the kind that would require any kind of “monogamy”.

So, no I do not identify as gay or bisexual in spite of the fact I have been with and am attracted to women.

Read the entire post here. The writer goes on to discuss physchological vs biological reasons for sexual orientation. I skipped over that part. My comment to her:

Can you explain why you don’t identify with being bisexual? Bisexual women are usually those that are attracted to both sexes. Do you consider yourself straight? Is it just the label you’re against? I ask out of curiosity and a need to understand, not out of a need to be difficult.

She ended up taking my comment and turning it into an entire post. It can be read here, but here’s the important part:

A homosexual male is capable of being in an exclusive relationship with a male. A lesbian is capable of being in an exclusive relationship with a woman. A bi-sexual is capable of being in an exclusive relationship with either sex. I am not capable of being in an exclusive relationship with a woman or even a brief encounter with out feeling as if something is missing and that something would be a penis. I could still enjoy said relationship until I couldn’t. It is not fair of me to include myself in a category that I cannot fully commit too.

I understand her thinking. On the surface it makes sense. There is one thing that bothers me about how she defines homosexuality and bisexuality.

When we discuss sexual orientations, are we discussing our ability to commit or our actual physical attraction?

I have cheated on every boyfriend I’ve ever had. I was constantly in search of that next connection. I was looking for something deeper, more meaningful. My first time I was with a woman, I knew I was a lesbian. I never went through that stage when women call themselves bisexual after their first time. I. Just. Knew. I also knew that I could never do anything to jeopardize that feeling. Well, there was that one time…

Back by popular demand…Well, maybe I should say back by demand of Glennisha and Tami…I’ve been slacking on this weekly post, so these are for you two…

If I do an image search for lesbians, I usually run into something extremely pornographic as if we spend our entire lives engaging in sexual activity, so when I happen to run into an image that seems sweet and shows affection. I keep it. Every Friday, I’m going to share a picture with you. Here’s a little weekend love…

When SH and I were together we had a conversation about affection. She said that I would have to tell her to keep her hands to herself because she had been told that she was overly affectionate. She was excited when I said I was affectionate too.

I fibbed a bit when I told her this. Affection doesn’t come naturally to me. It’s something that I have to work on to make sure the person I’m with knows that I want them around. It’s not that I don’t want someone close to me. I love to be close, but it’s the extra stuff. Like playing in hair, holding hands, kisses on the cheek. It’s that kind of stuff that I can only do if I feel motivated. My motivation? Love and feeling loved.

SH mentioned that all she needed “a little bit” of attention from her girls to be happy. Later she revealed that one of her exes said she required too much attention. She confessed that the affection she is shown over the course of the day translated into foreplay at the end of an evening. This meant that she found it very difficult to connect if she hasn’t received any attention or affection. I can relate to everything she said.

I cannot have sex if I feel a disconnect from my partner. I often feel that I’m contradicting myself because I can have sex with a woman to whom I’ve never had any type of connection, but if the connection was there and then suddenly it’s not, I can’t do it. My body doesn’t function right. It’s not enjoyable. I’ve forced my way through it before to not add to an already bad situation. I call it pity sex. It was pitiful.

If I’m sleeping, I cannot wake to a sexual act. I have to be coaxed into it. I’ve explained this to girls before by calling it non-sexual touching. I need to be rubbed. Not on the magic areas. Everywhere, but there. At some point, I get turned on and we can complete the entire act. Some girls never understood this. They would dive right in, sometimes literally. Pinching, grabbing, squeezing and penetrating. Ugh…

SH understood. I miss that about her. I am the consummate romantic and being with her is how I imagined physical love to feel. We were always kissing. Constantly touching, rubbing. She would wink at me from across the room. She would sink her hands into my hair and massage my scalp. We would rub faces, then she would rest her forehead against mine. We’d share the same air when we inhaled…

While I don’t miss the drama that came along with being with her. I miss having that kind of intimacy in my life.

I was a virgin through most of high school, through college I had really just started to explore what my likes and dislikes were sexually. When a man asked, “how many guys have you been with?” It was a question I easily answered because I knew that my number was low.

I have been having sex for 14 years. Do I dare answer that question now? Hell no.

It’s not a question that I’ve been asked very often either. One ex asked after we were two months into our relationship. I refused to answer her because I felt as though it was none of her business. We were already sleeping together, so it wasn’t as though she was asking for health reasons. She was asking because she wasy being nosey. I didn’t answer her because I didn’t want to be judged. The response I gave her was something like, “More than 10 but less than 60.” She didn’t really appreciate that, but who cares?

Honestly, I couldn’t answer her accurately anyway. While I’m sure if I sat down with a pad or pen, I could come up with a number, it’s not a fact that keeps residence in my mind. I do know that I wish the number was lower. Not because a lower number would make me feel better about myself as a person, but because some of the sex I’ve had just wasn’t worth it. Ideally, I could adjust my number subtracting the affairs that were a waste of time, energy and bodily fluids. And Lord knows, I’m erasing the men from my memory.

How many partners equal promiscuity? How many partners equal innocence? Would you rather be with someone that was experienced or inexperienced?

I have been involved with women that had very liberal views about sexuality. Some of the women started having sex before I even knew what sex was. Others believed in polyamorous relations. Either way, I was the innocent one and it didn’t bother me near as much as it should have. In those situations, I felt at ease knowing the woman I was with had done it many times before. To me this equaled skill. I’m a little older now, I know that high numbers don’t make an expert, but that’s another story…

With the women who saw me as the expert, I was uneasy. I’ve said hundreds of times that I didn’t want to be with a virgin. I don’t want to have to teach anyone the basics. If I had that kind of patience, I’d be teaching. And let’s not talk about the pressure. Peformance anxiety. Ay yi yi!

I wonder if my numbers are higher because I sleep with women. There seems to be a very thin line between making out and sex with women. How many times have you questioned if you just had sex? Especially when no close were taken off and spit was the only bodily fluid that was swallowed. What counts as sex?

What was my point? I don’t want to answer this question. I’d much rather answer, “When was the last time you were tested?” Why don’t we ask that question more?

As I was nearing the end of my last post, I began to wonder what it means to be a femme vs being feminine.

• femme- Exhibiting stereotypical or exaggerated feminine traits. Used especially of lesbians and gay men.
• feminine-
  1. Of or relating to women or girls.
  2. Characterized by or possessing qualities generally attributed to a woman.
  3. Effeminate; womanish.
  4. Designating or belonging to the gender of words or grammatical forms that refer chiefly to females or to things classified as female.

That doesn’t help, does it? Here’s how I look at it…

A femme is a woman that screams girly when you look at her. Her hair is perfectly in place, her nails are done, she’s wearing heels and something that reveals her shape. She’s carrying a purse, her make up is applied perfectly, and she is completely accessorized from earrings to necklace to cell phone. Exaggerated physical traits. That makes sense now. Seperately, these traits don’t mean anything. Collectively, they make up a femme.

Femininity is about behavior. A bent wrist. A sashay in their walk. Legs crossed at the knee. You know where I’m going with this, right? Femininity does not have gender boundaries. A male or a female can be called feminine.

A femme can be feminine. Someone who is feminine is not necessarily a femme.

I will admit to being feminine. It’s something I can’t help or hide, but I’m not a femme. Though I can dress up like one for a night out. A night out= 4 hours. Then the make up is washed off, the jewelry is back in it’s box, the purse is back in the closet, and the push up bra is in the hamper…

This leads me to wonder if studs are attracted to femmes because of the visual appeal without concern to how feminine they actually are or for them being a femme and being feminine go hand in hand?

I have a friend who is called a femme all the time. She attracts studs, but can never keep one. Why? Because her personality is usually more dominant than the stud and it’s not what the stud was expecting. My friend often refers to herself as a “stud in stilettos.” Her attitude is harsh. She curses her girls until they cry. She likes to be in control in the bedroom. And she thinks like a man. Can’t you see why we’re friends? For most studs this is a bit of a blow to their perceived “masculinity,” so they move on to someone a bit more docile.

So where do you fit in? Are you a femme or simply feminine?

BTW, Happy Birthday Sip!

When I finished my hair, I found myself staring at the mirror at a boy. Ok, well maybe I’m being a little extreme, but I did find myself looking like someone who was obviously gay. I made a joke on twitter about how I was going to femme up my look. Strong eye make up and glossy lips did the trick…I’m not a femme, I just play one at church…

It felt funny to look in the mirror at someone that was so obviously gay. I’ve always wanted to look more gay. Just because I think studs have it so much easier. They can be so easily identified that they constantly have a string of women ready to throw their panties at them. Have you noticed that?

Seeing myself look so gay, I panicked. How will I ever attract the kind of girl I like if I look so gay? I’ll explain.

I’ve heard studs say thousands of times that their preferred type of woman to date is straight. Or straight looking. Why? Because these women display visual femininity.

Admittedly, when I first came to Atlanta, I was the girl who would stroll around Piedmont Park in heels. After I tripped once, twice…a few dozen times (did I mention I’m clumsy?) I settled for flats. At some point, Jay started buying me boy clothes and I embraced my inner tomboy. It was from her that I learned that tight clothes do not equal sexiness.

So while my outside has changed a lot in the last 7 years, my love for women hasn’t. If anything I’m more sure of the type of woman that makes me happy.

I want my girl to look gay, but not be mistaken for a man. I want her to be comfortable in men’s clothes, but not have a saggy booty. I want her to be soft with me, but hard to the world. I want her to make me feel more feminine than I appear to the world.

Am I asking for too much?